He goes to the German hell and asks, ‘What do they do here?’

‘First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.’

Harry does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the American hell, as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

He then comes to the Greek hell and finds that there is a long line of people from all nationalities waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, ‘What do they do here?’

‘First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour, and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Greek devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.’

‘But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?’ asks Harry.

‘The maintenance crew is always on strike, there is no electricity so the electric chair doesn’t work. Albanians have stolen all the nails from the bed and the Greek devil is a former Greek government employee who comes in, signs the register, and then goes to have his Greek coffee and eat kourabiethes all day.’

Quit the Bloomberg application. Start the email application. Click on my Inbox. Read the email. Perhaps reply to the email. Quit the email application. Start the Bloomberg application.

Why do I need to do this? Because the iPhone does not support multitasking. This is the phone that Steve Jobs told us was the best ‘smartphone’ ever produced. Yeah, right.

I remember watching the webcast of Steve explaining to the faithful why multitasking was not an option on the iPhone. He showed some slides of a phone running the Windows Mobile Operating System (OS) and the multitasking manager that is part of that OS. He ridiculed it. He informed us that having multitasking on an iPhone would be a huge drain on the battery’s life.

Hmm. Let’s take a close look at the this statement, shall we?

First, thanks Steve. We never would have known that multitasking drains the battery quicker than normal use. Wow!  This information is more profound than the explanation of the photoelectric effect.

Steve, I have news for you. We are not morons! We do understand this. Thanks for your concern and your condescension. Would you like to know why battery life is so important to you Steve? Let me tell you.

Unlike all the other phones on the market, your fucking phone has no accessible battery compartment. Remember that Steve? You decided that the iPhone’s battery could only be replaced by your technicians so that you could make more money. That’s the reason you won’t let us access the battery, Steve.

If the iPhone did have an accessible battery compartment, I would be able to buy a spare battery for my iPhone so that when one ran out, I could simply insert the fresh battery and continue to use my phone, just like every other user who has a non-Apple phone is able to. Can you understand this Steve?

And let’s not forget that I also have a car charger for my iPhone and of course there’s the AC adapter that comes in the box. Oh, then there’s the USB cable that I can plug into my laptop that also charges my iPhone.

So you see Steve, battery life is not really that much of a problem for me. I have many ways of charging my phone as outlined above. I would prefer to have a multitasking-capable phone rather than worrying about its battery life. My user experience would be greatly enhanced if I didn’t have to do the ‘app dance’ to get things done.

Hence, if you stopped thinking that your customers are idiots, you would simply let your customers decide if they wanted to use multitasking or not. A simple preference setting would do it, I think. Let’s see. Something like: ‘Do you wish to turn on Multitasking? Yes or NO?

But no. You decided that multitasking was not a good thing so that’s the end of it. Where the fuck did you buy your arrogance? Do you have to replenish it each week?

What was the answer?

Put simply: NO.

That’s it. That was Steve Jobs’ answer. Two letters. NO.

Well, fuck you Apple and screw you Steve. This is not the first time that Steve’s petulance, arrogance and his ‘I know best’ mentality has prevented a good product being an excellent product.

Tell me Steve, why won’t the iPad access the internet via tethering? Oh, yes, I forgot. So users are forced to purchase another SIM card from their carrier so that the carrier makes more money and is able to siphon more of its profits to Apple as a kickback.

When will the law step in and stop this monopolistic behaviour between carriers and Apple?

I think it’s about time that Steve resigned and allowed someone else to take over the reins at Apple. Someone that is willing to bring to market a product that gives the customer freedom of choice and a product with all the bells and whistles the first time, not incrementally, so that the customer is milked every time a new feature is added.

For example, why isn’t there a camera on the iPad when patent applications made by Apple indicate that the camera was planned but didn’t make it. It didn’t make it because Steve will add this to the next generation iPad, screwing the customers that support the first generation of the product.

Personally, I think the iPad will not do all that well. It is nothing more than an enlarged iPod since you can’t access the internet away from home unless you wait and buy the 3G version which will force you to pay for another data plan!

Does this sound fair to you? Doesn’t it make sense that if you own an iPhone and are paying for tethering, you should be able to use the iPad via the iPhone’s tethering capabilities to access the internet? Why should Steve’s greed force you to purchase another data plan?

Let’s all vote with our wallets. Don’t buy the iPad so that Steve’s greed is not satiated.

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’

‘Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration.

‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ’What’d you get?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’

If you would like to leave a legitimate comment, then feel free to do so. But don’t include any external links to a website unless the website is a personal block.

The EXTRA logo appears on the bottom left hand corner. But … it’s not really in the corner. It is where it sticks out like dogs’ balls. What the fuck is the matter with the channels? The logos are so fucking annoying. Do I really need to be reminded about the channel I am watching throughout the entire movie?

Take a look at the logo that appears on the channel 13th Street. Now this one is worth two dogs’ balls. It takes up about 1/2oth of the screen for fuck’s sake.

To the stupid idiots who put these logos on, take your heads out of your arses and remove the logos or shrink their size.

Want something worse? Try watching a live Premier League football game. In the top left hand corner, we have a banner that shows the abbreviated names of the teams playing and a clock showing the time elapsed since the beginning of play. In the top right corner, we have the logo for the sport channel, for example, FOXSports1.

Both these banners take up about 1/10th of the TV screen’s vertical space. How annoying is that?

To the idiots who put these banners on the screen, take your heads out of your arses and reduce the size of the banners or, better still, get rid of them! Just leave the clock on, that’s all we need. We know the names of the teams that are playing.

dogdancing-greek

8:00 am — Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am — A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am — A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am — Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 PM — Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 PM — Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 PM — Wagged my tail!  My favourite thing!

5:00 PM — Milk bones! My favourite thing!

6:00 PM — Oooh, bath. Bummer.

7:00 PM — Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 PM — Wow! Watched TV with the people!  My favourite thing!

11:00 PM — Sleeping on the bed!  My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a cat’s diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies’.  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released — and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe, for now …

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dearpenis

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