The Perdox Rant

Excerpts from a dog’s diary

8:00 am — Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am — A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am — A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am — Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 PM — Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 PM — Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 PM — Wagged my tail!  My favourite thing!

5:00 PM — Milk bones! My favourite thing!

6:00 PM — Oooh, bath. Bummer.

7:00 PM — Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 PM — Wow! Watched TV with the people!  My favourite thing!

11:00 PM — Sleeping on the bed!  My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a cat’s diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies’.  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released — and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe, for now …